so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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