She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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