new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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