I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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