are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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