He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
