No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
