Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
