I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
