he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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