i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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