And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
