it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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