Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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