So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
