Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
