Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
