did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize