I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize