The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize