they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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