I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
