Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
