I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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