My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
