Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
