youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Randomize