Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
it's great music for shaving your balls
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
