im having a threesome with these popsicles
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
