he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm really busy with my period
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