I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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