your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
