When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
