you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
