Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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