we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
