I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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