I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
