Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
