I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
