I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
