Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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