I wanna bring you to show and tell
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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