well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize