Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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