Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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