I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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