Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize