I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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