I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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