I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
