My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize