Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
