not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
