Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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